Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
