My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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