Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
