hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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