My liver just broke up with me...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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