Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
