She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
