Even the bartender felt bad for me
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
