I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
