remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
