My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
