Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
