I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
