Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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