ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
