Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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