Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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