You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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