I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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