I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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