I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
