Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
