I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
