don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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