she woke up with a sticky ear
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
