You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
