Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
