just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
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The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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