The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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