Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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