She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I intend to get homeless drunk
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
