I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
