I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
