Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
