News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
