your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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