they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
