We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
