A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
