I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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