Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Vodka?
Forever.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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