im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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