This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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