It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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