worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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