Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
worst night to have a conscience
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
