i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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