My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
