I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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