also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
