Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just found puke in my bra..
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
