Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
