It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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