I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
