I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
