it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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