just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
