the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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