I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize